I feel like my entire life
Is the build-up to
This is the live feed.
What's wrong with me?
there is a loneliness in this world so great
that you can see it in the slow movement of
the hands of a clock.
people so tired
either by love or no love.
people just are not good to each other
one on one.
the rich are not good to the rich
the poor are not good to the poor.
we are afraid.
our educational system tells us
that we can all be
it hasn’t told us
about the gutters
or the suicides.
or the terror of one person
aching in one place
watering a plant.
28 has been a sexual awakening year. I got out of a very long, monogamous relationship, almost a year ago now, and started “sleeping around”. Doing that in the past always made me feel horrible but now I feel totally okay with it—I think it has been cathartic. Having short, even fleeting, relationships is kind of beautiful.
Anyway, I think I’m finally ready to act on my lifelong attraction to guys. I’ve always been scared, I think, to have sex—mostly because of my extremely conservative, religious upbringing and my parents homophobia. About three years ago I had a mental breakdown and thought I was gay but then I realized I just like people, regardless of their genitals. Also, my sexuality fluctuates and changes as I do. Nothing is static.
I think I always come back to that saying I tattooed on my arm years ago, “don’t try”. Some people think it’s a defeatist statement, but really it’s the most empowering thing I can think of: “don’t try, be yourself.”
I’ve got a lot of love in my heart to give.